Heimlich Maneuver
by Gawd Complex
Summary: Naruto just wanted some air, Sakura just wanted a day for herself, and Sasuke just felt like showing up. Cheesy crackfic.


**Disclaimer: Me not own, you not sue.**

**Notes: Everyone is around 24 years old in this story. Lee is 25, and Kakashi must now be 38 years old. xD **

**Rokudaime means sixth. Thus rokudaime Hokage is the sixth Hokage. **

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was dying.

…And he, himself, knew it.

Naruto was dying by the hands of his best friend.

And the bad thing was…

He knew it.

He _completely_ understood, that it was _his best friend _who was choking him, who was blocking his airways, who was denying his lungs of fresh air.

The only thing going through Naruto's head was the 'why' question.

_Why are you doing this? What did I do to make you this mad? _

He strangled to get the words out of his lips, but to no prevail. His friend wouldn't let him get the air he needed to live properly. _Or_ the air he needed to talk properly.

One moment he was eating peacefully with his friend. The next moment said best friend decided to choke him to death.

What was going on?

Why would he do this? To him? Why now?

Why?

Naruto opened his eyes, which he had squinted earlier on, to avoid looking at his gone-psycho friend.

But what he saw was hazy. His sight was quickly leaving him. He felt his breath grow even more ragged.

His heartbeat slowed down.

His vision turned black.

I can't die like this! Naruto thought frantically. He struggled to lift his hands, wanting to stop his friend, but he lacked the strength.

Desperately Naruto tried to bring his hands up.

_I just… can't die… like this…!_

He wanted to die spectacular. He wanted to die while saving hundreds of lives. He wanted to die, and be remembered by hundreds of people as a hero.

But most of all… He _did not_ want to die. Not now.

Not when tomorrow was the day Konohagakure'd finally officially recognize him as the Rokudaime Hokage.

He just didn't want to die. Not now. Not ever. Not like this.

Naruto saw nothing anymore. His vision was completely black.

His heart… was it still beating…?

He didn't know. He didn't care.

All he felt was serenity.

Nothing more than absolute calm and peace.

But still the question ran through his mind.

* * *

And that was the sight Uchiha Sasuke was greeted with when he entered Naruto's room.

At first he saw nothing. So he scoffed at the room. That was when he noticed a ramen bowl on the kitchen table.

There was ramen **in the bowl**, and it was **still warm**.

Suddenly Sasuke got a feeling something very bad had happened to Naruto. There was ramen on the blonde's kitchen table, but Naruto himself was nowhere to be seen.

This was very odd, indeed.

Sasuke still remembered that one time, when the Akatsuki had invaded Konoha and Naruto had refused to leave before he had finished his holy bowl of ramen. Eventually Sasuke had just dragged the blond outside with ramen and all. Naruto hadn't had the chance to finish the last bit when an Akatsuki member had destroyed his bowl.

They didn't know which Akatsuki member it was exactly, because at the time Naruto was finished with the guy, he'd been unrecognizable.

Sasuke had learned to never touch Naruto's ramen.

To see the ramen bowl standing there so innocently and warm on the kitchen table was disturbing to say the least. Sasuke felt as if the bowl was mocking him.

Sasuke had never liked ramen. There was something very disturbing about the food, but he couldn't place his finger on what exactly.

In the middle of his contemplating Sasuke suddenly noticed something. There was a foot lurking at him from under the table. Naruto's foot to be more precise.

Was this another stupid mind game of the blond?

Cautiously he approached the blond.

Naruto lay on his back, on the ground. He looked very pale and wasn't moving.

Sasuke kicked the blonde's leg. "Tch. Dobe, Tsunade-sama asked for you. Get up."

He got no response.

Sasuke suddenly got a very disturbing feeling.

"Naruto?" he asked anxiously, though he tried not let it show.

Still no response.

Losing his cool demeanour Sasuke rushed to get hold of the blonde's arm. Placing his fingers on Naruto's pulse it felt as if his own heartbeat had just stopped.

_Naruto's heart wasn't beating. _

As realisation dawned upon him he began to panic.

_Kami-sama! His heart isn_'_t beating! _

Losing his self-control, Sasuke grabbed Naruto's dead body, dragged him up, and began _Operation: Save Best Friend_.

* * *

Haruno Sakura sat in her room, trying to study the beautiful thing called 'human anatomy' with Lee. Just when she decided to get to the interesting part of her investigation, she heard loud noises come from Naruto's room.

She tried to _study_ Lee again, but the noise was just too loud. She grumbled angrily.

Hadn't she told her housemates to leave the house today? Hadn't she told them she and Lee had something special planned? Hadn't she told them she didn't want to be disturbed? For just a day?! Was that too much to ask?!

"Excuse me for a moment, Lee." Sakura grumbled, annoyed. She stood up from the bed, and quickly redid her hair, and pulled down her shirt.

Lee just stared at the wall. "What is Naruto-san _doing_ in there?" He asked with wide eyes.

Sakura didn't hear his comment, and walked out of the door.

When she entered the hall she quickly headed for Naruto's room.

What had she been drinking anyway, when she'd answered 'yes' to Kakashi's odd request? Now she had to live with her crazy teammates for three years, in the same house.

Luckily, Kakashi, Sasuke and Naruto were almost never home. But when they were, well… Then hell would break loose.

Kakashi had the odd habit to offer to watch porn films with his team. Naruto had the odd habit to watch porn films with Kakashi. And Sasuke… well, he was Sasuke. That alone should say enough.

Sakura still remembered that one time when Sasuke destroyed the roof by accident. Somehow Naruto had been involved as well, so they had to repair the roof together. It ended with various villagers going to the hospital with bad concussions. Apparently, at some point Sasuke and Naruto had started throwing roof tiles at each other. Being the ninja they were, they easily avoided the roof tiles. The villagers weren't as lucky.

Yes, Naruto and Sasuke in one space together was asking for trouble.

Wait, scratch that. Having them botch in _one village_ was trouble enough.

Wait a minute… Was that Sasuke's voice in Naruto's room?

As Sakura neared Naruto's door she started to get this really weird feeling. This feeling that told her to get the hell away from that room. The feeling told her she really didn't want to see this.

But Sakura was in trance. She was no longer in control of her body.

She noticed the door to Naruto's room was open. She noticed Sasuke's voice indeed came from that room.

"C'mon Naruto!"

Sakura visibly paled.

…It couldn't be.

Cautiously she stuck her head in the room, and nearly died of the sight she behold.

Uchiha Sasuke.

Sasuke, as in ice king Uchiha Sasuke.

Was humping.

Actually humping.

…Uzumaki Naruto.

Naruto, as in tomorrow-to-be-Rokdaime-Hokage Naruto.

Not to mention Naruto looked quite asleep. Or dead. Depends how you looked at him.

Anyway, Sasuke didn't seem to notice Sakura standing in the doorway.

He just continued humping poor lifeless Naruto while shouting "C'mon Naruto, you can do it, Naruto!"

Sakura wanted to scream.

Badly.

Her poor innocent eyes were burning. This would leave a scar forever.

Finally, after five seconds of gaping to be more exact, Sasuke seemed to notice Sakura standing in the doorway.

"Sakura!" he screamed panicking. "Please, help Naruto!"

Sakura felt her face heat up. Kami-sama! She hadn't blushed this hard since she was a genin! "W-what, Sasuke?" she stuttered.

"**Help him!"**

"L-like you did, you mean?" Her blush getting worse and worse by the second.

"Yes!** Hurry!"** Sasuke sounded ready to kill her.

"You m-mean…"

"Yes, just **friggin' **help him already!"

"...Y-you want me to hump him?"

"Yes! Whatever it takes to revive him!"

There fell an awkward silence. For Sakura at least. Sasuke looked as if he hadn't said something extremely embarrassing, but he did grow impatient for the medic nin. Naruto needed help, badly, and he needed it now!

"Sakura." Sasuke finally said. Finally meaning another five seconds. Naruto hadn't been breathing properly for two minutes now.

"Y-yes?"

"He's choking. Please help him." Sasuke's voice sounded flat and completely devoid of emotion. Maybe she was in shock of seeing Sasuke actually shouting, was his logic.

Sakura quickly forgot her own mental scar and quickly rushed over to Naruto.

Being the formidable medic nin she was, she quickly lay Naruto down on his back and placed her hand on his stomach. She forcefully pushed her fingers down, and quickly drew a line to his sternum.

And once again, there was life in Uzumaki Naruto.

He coughed and hacked violently until Sasuke suddenly felt something wet in his hair. Inspecting his hair with his fingers, he was disgusted to see it was a noodle. Apparently the one Naruto'd been choking on.

Naruto looked around, his heart beating like a maniac. He couldn't really comprehend what was going on. Why was he lying on the ground?

Sakura looked at him, realizing what just had happened. _She had almost lost Naruto_.

Sasuke was the only one who noticed the tears welling up in Sakura's eyes.

_Kami-sama, not again! _He thought with distaste. He unwillingly remembered some memories with Sakura crying. It all ended up with the whole world feeling uncomfortable and Sakura bawling her eyes out.

_Sniffle. _

This time Sasuke wasn't the only one who saw the danger coming. Naruto, who still lay on the floor, admiring the ceiling ('was the ceiling always this beautiful?') looked at her. Horrified.

Sasuke couldn't help but smirk smugly at Naruto. All those other times, he had been the one who was lying on the floor while Sakura sobbed over him. Now the roles were reversed and Sasuke was enjoying it.

"N-Naruto." She stuttered. "W-we almost lost you!" Though he was an idiot, he was still their idiot! Sakura couldn't imagine a life without the hyperactive blonde.

Naruto stared up at her, still horrified. Not the tears. Please, Kami-sama. Not the tears. Everything, but please not those girly, overpowering, uncomfortable tears.

This time Sasuke snickered when he saw Naruto's horror-struck look.

That was his downfall.

Suddenly Sakura's face turned to him. And the tears that had been forming magically disappeared. Naruto sighed in relief. Sasuke was not as lucky when he saw Sakura's downright furious gaze.

"You!" she said accusingly.

"Me." Sasuke deadpanned.

She ignored him. "How… how dare you! How dare you to hump an unconscious person-" she paused to think about that statement. "No scratch that. -Dead person, you necrophile!"

"Wait a minute-"

"You humped him!"

"I humped him?"

"He humped me?!"

A silence fell upon the three. The three threw each other suspicious glances.

"I didn't 'hump' him." Sasuke said finally.

"You did, Sasuke! I saw it with my own eyes!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Oh Kami-sama! You saw it?! You watched?!" Naruto shrieked.

Naruto knew the world would fall apart when he was gone. He'd just been gone for two minutes, and Sasuke had turned from an asexual bastard into a horny guy-molesting necrophile. Sakura, the one and only I-will-never-ever-watch-porn Sakura, had somehow enjoyed Sasuke molesting Naruto.

Sakura sighed. "I did not watch, Naruto. I just wanted to know why you were making such loud noises, so I went to your room. And, well… There I saw Sasuke molesting you…" Sakura wondered off.

"I did not 'molest' him." Sasuke said indignantly.

"Yes, you did!" Sakura exclaimed, once again.

"No, I did not!" Sasuke, the fallen ice king, exclaimed. "I was performing the Heimlich Maneuver on him!"

"Sasuke, that was most certainly **not** the Heimlich Maneuver."

"It was!" Sasuke shouted in his defence. It wasn't like there was much of his pride left now Sakura had repeatedly called him a necrophile. The only thing he could do now was defending the little dignity he had left. If he had to shout for it, then so be it.

Sasuke continued arguing, looking angry. "It was the Heimlich Maneuver!" he shouted again. "I did it precisely as in structured on the video tape!"

A new silence befell on them, and Sakura's quick mind put some things together.

"Sasuke… what videotape?"

"The one Kakashi gave me." Sasuke said coolly as always. Now Sakura wasn't shouting anymore, he could continue with being cool.

"You mean… Kakashi as in I-have-only-porn-films-in-my-film-collection Hatake Kakashi?"

"Yes, that one."

And once again Sakura's mind worked much quicker than others. How many people could confuse a Heimlich instruction tape with a porn film? So she asked Sasuke The Question.

"Sasuke, where do babies come from?"

Naruto, who was still insulted over the fact that Sasuke had humped him while he had been dead, choked once again.

Sasuke looked at Sakura as if she was crazy. "A white stork brings them, **duh**."

Sasuke looked at Sakura. A smug smirk on his face.

Sakura looked at Sasuke. She didn't know if she should be laughing, or be extremely horrified.

Naruto was busy with dying for the second time that day.

"Sasuke. Come to my house tonight. I'm going to give you _the talk_. Naruto… Naruto?"

Sakura and Sasuke finally noticed Naruto was once again choking. Sakura displayed her mad medic skills and once again Naruto lived. She couldn't believe that this idiot was going to be Hokage.

"Naruto, you're gonna help me tonight." She suddenly said, bringing them back to Sasuke's problem. "Bring some of Jiraiya's stuff with you. I'll see you both at eight. Don't be late."

She quickly left the room. This was all too embarrassing for her. But for humanity's sake she had to give Sasuke the Talk. She quickly headed off to her bedroom, where Lee was waiting. But when she entered he wasn't there.

That's strange, she thought. Where could he be?

* * *

Meanwhile Naruto and Sasuke sat awkwardly in the room together.

Naruto broke the silence. "You humped me."

Oh, always the subtle one.

"I humped you." Sasuke repeated, being just as subtle.

"Sasuke-san humped Naruto-san?" Rock Lee asked standing in the doorway. His eyes were as big as saucers.

"Yes." Both boys replied without thinking.

Before they knew it Lee had run off screaming "GAI-SENSEI!!"

And once again, an awkward silence fell.

"You know… I don't think this is good for my image as Hokage." Naruto suddenly said. "A weirdo in spandex running around town, screaming the Rokudaime was humped by the Uchiha Survivor."

"Hn." Sasuke replied. The awkward silence didn't seem to go away. That's when Sasuke just had to ask. It pained him to ask someone he'd always seen as inferior, but he just _had_ to know.

"Naruto, what is humping?"

First Naruto looked shocked, however slowly but surely an evil grin made it towards his face.

* * *

**A/N: If you like shounen-ai then you can imagine what happened yourself. **

**If you don't like shounen-ai then you can say Naruto just grinned evilly because Mr. Stick-up-his-arse still does not know where babies really come from. Even though they're like twenty-four years old in this story. xD**


End file.
